Stranger Danger!
by Cyanide and Insomnia
Summary: In an online conversation resulting from experimenting with frequencies and chat clients, Skywarp decides he's going to take Red Alert partying, one way or another. Red thought he was bluffing.. up until he came to get him. Slight slash.
1. Correspondence

Disclaimer: Like everyone in this fandom, I don't own Transformers or the characters mentioned in this fic. If I did, well.. this would have been canon. Somehow.

This is based on an MSN RP between myself and my sister. Actually, the chat log below is a slightly edited transcript of that RP, so any discrepancy in characterization is a joint effort. At least for the log. After that it's all me. And if you were wondering, I was Red Alert.

And yes, I suppose you COULD skip the log and just go to the next chapter without that much of a loss, but _come on._ It's not there for decoration.

Warnings: Drunken shenanigans.. just.. drunken shenanigans. And a fat guy dies.

* * *

><p><strong>You are now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!<strong>

**Stranger: **Heeeeeeeeeeeeey

**Stranger:** Anyone out there?

**Stranger: **Hellooooooooooooooo?

**Stranger: **The closet is really slaggin boring =(

**You:** Who is this? Closet? What?

**Stranger: **Hey! =D Finally, someone else is on!

**Stranger:** What's up?

**You: **.. the.. sky.. is up

**You: **I suppose

**Stranger: **Ooooh a funny man

**Stranger: **Seriously though, who is this?

**Stranger: **TC?

**Stranger: **Can't be Screamer, he's "busy" with surveillance.

**You: **I.. uh..

**You:** I think I may be on the wrong frequency

**Stranger:** Really? How come?

**Stranger:** Hey can you send some down to lower levels to get me out of this closet?

**Stranger:** It's... kinda grody in here.

**Stranger: **I think 'Tex let a pet die in here.

**You:** Erm.. that does sound atrocious

**You:** but I don't think I'm in a position to do that

**Stranger: **TC why are you typing so weirdly?

**Stranger: **What kind of position ARE you in that you can't send someone to get your own trinemate out of a grody closet?

**Stranger: **Is it missionary?

**Stranger: **Are you fragging in my berth again?

**You:** Wait, what?

**You:** No

**You:** no that is not what I meant by position at all

**Stranger: **Well, what DO you mean?

**Stranger: **You're being awfully cagey about this

**You: **Cagey? I'm not cagey

**You: **You're cagey

**You: **I just meant.. well.. there may be a difference in locations a bit greater than you may think there is

**You: **Far greater

**Stranger: **=I

**You: **.. I don't know how to respond to that

**Stranger: **Who IS this?

**Stranger: **Shockwave?

**Stranger: **Oh Primus you aren't Shockwave are you?

**Stranger: **I swear I never meant for that Megatron blow up to go through the space bridge

**You: **Oh Primus

**You: **No

**You: **No I am not Shockwave

**You: **and I rather you hadn't mentioned anything of that nature

**Stranger: **Well then who ARE you?

**Stranger: **I can't think of any 'Cons further away from the base than Shockie.

**You: **That settles it

**You: **I am definitely on the wrong frequency

**Stranger: **=/ TELL ME

**Stranger: **Argh you're being an aft

**You: **Look, Skywarp

**You: **I can only assume that's you

**Stranger: **Yessssss?

**You: **I can't tell you who I am or where this transmission is coming from because then you might trace the signal and then Prime will KNOW I am the universe's worst security officer when a ton of cons show up at the front door AH SLAG WHY DO I KEEP TYPING

**You: **SLAG

**You: **SLAG

**You: **SLAG

**You: **FORGET

**You: **EVERYTHING

**You: **YOU JUST READ

**Stranger: **... Red Alert?

**You: **SLAG

**Stranger: **What are you doing on this channel?

**Stranger: **... why would I trace your signal?

**You: **Because

**Stranger: **Consider that one, I'm in a slagging closet.

**Stranger: **and two, I already know where your ship is

**You: **...

**You: **I had completely forgotten about that

**Stranger: **Well I guess you can't send someone to come get me then, huh?

**Stranger: **Oh well.

**You: **Sorry

**Stranger: **Hello Mr. Skull with a grody mold toupe, how are you doing?

**You: **I believe it's spelled toupee

**You: **If.. that was even what you were trying to say

**You: **... I am curious, however

**You: **Why are you in a closet?

**Stranger: **Um...

**Stranger: **Well, there was a cake...

**Stranger: **...and Soundwave...

**Stranger: **...and now my parts are hidden in about five different supply closets.

**You: **.. oh

**You: **oh dear

**Stranger: **Yeah.

**Stranger: **It's not that bad!

**Stranger: **He disabled my pain receptors this time.

**Stranger: **At least.

**Stranger: **And left my head and torso in one piece.

**Stranger: **And an arm.

**Stranger: **So really, not that bad at all.

**You: **I would assume you had an arm yes

**Stranger: **I dunno, I COULD be typing this with my glossa.

**Stranger:** And getting the keyboard all wet.

**You: **That.. is more than slightly disturbing

**You: **Although I would have to commend you on your expertise if it were true

**Stranger: **I've had some practice with it before =D

**Stranger: **Althout I end up typing worse than Screamer.

**You: **.. I did not need to know that

**Stranger: **Have you ever had a conversation with him?

**Stranger: **He never capitilizes anything, and he types like he's over-energized.

**You: **Considering I've never spoken to any Con on this device before today

**You: **... that I know of

**You: **... you wouldn't have heard anything going around your base about certain acts involving pineapples, would you?

**Stranger: **...

**Stranger: **Wait.

**Stranger: **That was YOU?

**You: **SLAG

**Stranger: **REALLY?

**You: **FORGET YOU SAW THAT

**Stranger: **XDDDDD

**Stranger: **We all thought it was the twins!

**Stranger: **Wow. Wait 'til TC hears about this...

**You: **Oh Primus no no no

**You: **This never leaves this window

**You: **NEVER

**You: **KEEP IT IN YOUR CLOSET

**Stranger: **You know Dirge ended up in the medbay for a week after trying that?

**You: **Oh Primus

**Stranger: **He was so inspired.

**You: **That.. he.. oh slag

**Stranger: **I have some of the vids if you want me to send them to you.

**You: **NO

**You: **I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYTHING OF THE SORT

**Stranger: **XDDD Alright...

**Stranger: **I had no idea that you 'Bots could get on to this channel.

**Stranger: **Do y' think that Megs and Prime ever chat?

**You: **I was experimenting with primitive technology and frequencies, it will never happen again

**You: **never ever ever ever

**You: **... although I suppose if the option was available they would

**You: **I can imagine many death threats and indescribable double entendres

**Stranger: **XDDD

**Stranger: **I don't know, maybe they just chat about Cybertron before "the waaaaaaaaaaar"

**Stranger: **And compliment each other like human schoolgirls

**Stranger: **"Hey Prime I have to say the way you shot down that fool Starscream was most inspiring today."

**Stranger: **"Why thank you Megatron. I did enjoy watching you weild your fusion cannon aginst my forces with such deadly percision"

**You: **... why did that come with the image of our leaders in little girlish dresses

**You: **sipping tea

**You: **NO MIND NO

**Stranger: **XDDDD

**Stranger: **It fits sooooooooooo well

**You: **See

**You: **Now I can't STOP imagining it

**You: **It's going to be hard to hear Prime say "ROLL OUT" and all you can see is tea-sipping biddies

**You: **Girlishly twittering

**Stranger: **XDDD

**Stranger: **...

**Stranger: **so

**Stranger: **You and Inferno...

**Stranger: **... you got something going on?

**You: **What have you heard? WHO KEEPS TELLING YOU THESE THINGS

**You: **I mean

**You: **erm

**You: **perhaps

**You: **purely platonic

**You: **yes

**Stranger: **Oh? Is that denial I read?

**Stranger: **C'mon Red there's nothing wrong with chasing a nice piece of mech aft.

**Stranger: **Optimus does it all the time.

**You: **...

**Stranger: **ALL THE TIME

**You: **I.. am not going to dignify that with a response

**You: **... more than that

**Stranger: **ALLLLLLLLLl

**Stranger: **THEEEEEEE

**Stranger: **TIMEEEEEEE

**Stranger: ***pouts*

**Stranger: **Anyway, that's not I heard

**Stranger: **Among other things

**Stranger: **Are you REALLY that paranoid?

**You: **It's not paranoia

**You: **Merely being careful

**You: **Albeit more careful than what you would deem necessary I suppose

**Stranger: **Careful enough to think your team was going to use you for spare parts?

**You: ** ... that was a bad day

**You: **I shudder to think of it

**Stranger: **Do you stop being paranoid when you're over-energized?

**Stranger: **Or do you get MORE paranoid?

**Stranger: **Do you get like Breakdown and just hide under a berth from everyone?

**Stranger: **IS it pitiful?

**Stranger: **IS there evidence?

**You: **I do believe you're asking one too many questions

**Stranger: **Alright, scratch the fourth question. It was redundant.

**Stranger: **What about the rest, huh?

**You: **I have not been over-energized in quite some time

**You: **... that incident with the pineapples notwithstanding

**Stranger: **... then that settles it.

**Stranger: **Next time we meet on the feild of battle, I'm going to get you over-energized.

**Stranger: **Somehow.

**You: **Primus no

**Stranger: **I don't think anyone would notice if I just... GRABBED you and flew off.

**You: **... oh dear Primus they wouldn't

**You: **THAT'S IT I AM STAYING IN THE BASE FROM NOW ON

**Stranger: **Then I'm just going to have to go into the base and get you =)

**Stranger: **You can be the guest of honor at our next party!

**Stranger: **Screamer makes some mean high-grade

**You: **I'm sure he does

**You: **But no

**You: **I am not going to this party

**You: **and you coming into the base and abducting me for such purposes is frankly a terrifying thought

**Stranger: **... then could I come have a party at YOUR base?

**You: **I don't think Prime would approve of that

**Stranger: **My trine can behave themselves!

**Stranger: **For a little while...

**You: **Unless your idea of a party involves shouting "INTRUDER ALERT" and being shot full of holes

**Stranger: **No, no it doesn't.

**Stranger: **You Autobots party hard.

**Stranger: **=/

**You: **We haven't had that many partiest to speak of

**You: **parties*

**You: **I made a point to avoid them after I woke up in the medbay as pretty much a head

**You: **I still have no idea what happened

**You: **but I still don't want to know

**You: **Although I'm not sure it happened AT a party

**You: **I do know parties were involved

**You: **.. somehow

**Stranger:** ...someone was playing "pin the head on the Red Alert"?

**You: **I don't know

**You: **They may have been playing basketball for all I know

**Stranger: **You couldn't have been in much worse state than ol' Megs after three of your teamates got the Heart of Cybertron out of him.

**Stranger: **It was one of the funniest things I had ever seen!

**Stranger: **We were all passed out in the desert and Megs comes flying back like his aft was on fire, screaming about tiny filthy Autobots crawling around inside his armor.

**Stranger: **Starscream eventually beat him over the head with Rumble until he passed out.

**Stranger: **BEST. NIGHT. EVER.

**You: **I think Perceptor told me about that

**You: **Obviously not the rest of it

**You: **.. I have to wonder why you were all passed out in the desert

**Stranger: **It was a party! Megs said something about attacking you guys in the morning, and then Soundwave started passing around the high-grade..

**Stranger: **...and I don't remember much about that.

**Stranger: ***after

**You: **I can imagine

**You: **This is why I became a teetotaler

**Stranger: **Awww teetoling is for wimps and sparklings.

**Stranger: **Be a mech! Get over energized and cut loose!

**You: **Wimps and sparklings know where they are the next day

**You: **and don't have fruit wedged in odd places

**You: **It's bad enough trying to figure out what is or isn't a plot against me in some way

**You: **I don't want mysterious blackouts to become a facotr

**You: **.. factor

**Stranger: **You're such a stiffy.

**Stranger: **If you relaxed once in a while I'll bet you'd see that there are a lot less people "after your job" than you think.

**Stranger: **I mean, seriously. Security director?

**Stranger: **There CAN'T be a long line for that one.

**You: **I know.. but... it's a catch-22

**You: **If I DON'T relax, people think I'm hypervigilant and paranoid

**You: **If I DO, Prime is bound to think I've gone soft

**You: **and he WILL replace me

**Stranger: **Uh, Red, everyone already thinks you're hypervigilant and paranoid.

**Stranger: **So really your reputation can only improve.

**You: **Not if I'm out of a job

**Stranger: **=/ You're depressing

**You: **Then I will become that lazy slob in the corner with the fruit

**You: **and no one will ever take me seriously

**You: **ever again

**Stranger: **... man I think you need some serious fruit counciling.

**Stranger: **I bet all your issues can be traced back to pineapples.

**You: **I don't even know how I came to obtain the pineapple in the first place

**Stranger: **Was it an Earth sized pineapple? Or Cybertronian?

**Stranger: **Becuase Dirge thought it was the latter and he used quanity to make up for the size differnece...

**You: **I.. I think we need to discuss something else now

**You: **not related to fruit

**Stranger: ***pout*

**Stranger: **...

**Stranger: **Ever used a cucumber?

**You: **... vegetables still count

**Stranger: **Vegetables aren't fruit!

**Stranger: **Well, most aren't fruit.

**You: **Tomatoes

**You: **Deceptive little vegefruit

**Stranger: ***sits down next to therapist couch* So, when did zis unhealthy obession with fruit begin?

**You: **Don't patronize me

**You: **I'm sure you've had plenty of strange objects in strange places that are worse than fruit

**You: **Or vegetables

**You: **Or vegefruit

**Stranger: **... I wasn't being patronizing... =(

**You: **... don't do that

**You: **Now I feel bad

**Stranger: **=(

**You: **SLAG

**You: **SLAG SLAG SLAG

**You: **Prime keeps looking this way

**You: **I think he knows

**You: **slag

**Stranger: **Hey man chill out.

**Stranger: **It's not like this chat logs names or locations.

**Stranger: **You didn't even know you were talking to a 'Con for a while.

**You: **HE'S GOING TO READ IT

**You: **HE'S GOIGN TO KNOW

**You: **AHSFASHTG

**Stranger: **Red?

**Stranger: **Red?

**Stranger: **Hey, Red Alert?

**Stranger: **You okay?

**Stranger: **...

**Stranger: **slag it

**Stranger: **this closet is really groady you know

**Stranger: **and the skull is really creeping me out

**Stranger: **..= (

**Stranger: **Where'd you gooooo?

**Stranger: **imlonely =(

**You: **sorry

**Stranger: **Red!

**Stranger: **=D

**Stranger: **Where'd you disappear to?

**You: **I think I may have found a closet similar to the one you're currently residing in

**You: **although instead of a skull it's that SLAGGING PINEAPPLE

**You: **but yes

**You: **I've locked the door

**You: **safe now

**You: **yes

**Stranger: **XDD So we're closet buddies now!

**Stranger: **well not really becuase to be real closet buddies I think you have to be in the same closet but nayway.

**Stranger: **You know if the pineapple is weirding you out you can put it in the hall or something.

**Stranger: **You've got to hands n' stuff

**You: **no

**You: **that would involve opening the door

**You: **I don't know why I'm doing this

**You: **I could have

**You: **just

**You: **closed the window

**You: **yet I just ran

**You: **like a sparkling

**You: **and hid in a closet

**Stranger: **...

**Stranger: **If it makes up feel any better I'm glad you didn't close the window.

**You: **Yes I feel SO MUCH BETTER endangering my job to continue entertaining half a Seeker in a closet

**Stranger: **...yay?

**You: **.. that was sarcasm

**Stranger: **... =)?

**You: **that is not making it any better

**Stranger: **Oh.

**Stranger: **Um.

**Stranger: **Well, if you really will be in trouble it's okay if you go.

**Stranger: **I guess. I'm not sure if Optimus is as stritc on everyone as Soundwave, but I don't want you getting in trouble for "entertaining me".

**Stranger: **=)

**You: **No.. no.. it's fine

**You: **we're both alone now

**You: **so it's a bit less weird

**You: ** I guess

**You: **to ease my panic

**You: **it is now your turn to tell me things

**You: **unfortunately I can't formulate questions

**You: **but I'm sure you can figure something out

**Stranger: **Well... what do you want to know?

**Stranger: **Secrets and stuff?

**You: **yes

**You: **I honestly don't care about the quality

**Stranger: **=D

**Stranger: **Well, Screamer recharge walks. You can just point him in a direction and he'll keep going like a human wind-up toy

**Stranger: **If he hits a wall he'll just fall over and stay there.

**Stranger: **Soundwave cannot STAND country music.

**Stranger: **I think I've seen him bleed from the optics after hearing it

**Stranger: **Megatron has a rubber ducky

**Stranger: **He talks to it

**You: **... wait what

**Stranger: **I am dead serious. It is creepy as Pit.

**You: **So.. if he were to lose this duck.. would he merely be infuriated or would he collapse in a pile and weep?

**Stranger: **Infuriated

**You: **Oh

**You: **Darn

**Stranger: **Please please please please PLEASe

**Stranger: **don't

**Stranger: **take it or antything

**You: **Don't worry, I don't want to see Megatron in a murderous rage anymore than you do

**Stranger: ***nodnod*

**Stranger: **Dirge will try anything (as you should know *winkwink*)

**You: **DON'TBRINGTHATUP

**Stranger: **XDDDDD

**You: **Primus I had ALMOST calmed down and then you went and made me remember that

**You: **AND THAT PINEAPPLE IS STILL THERE

**You: **MOCKING ME

**Stranger: **Um... cover it with something?

**Stranger: **So you don't have to look at it?

**You: ** there

**You: **I have no idea what that was

**You: **but it covers it nicely

**You: **so please continue

**Stranger: **=D

**Stranger: **Astrotrain is ticklish on his back, but he'll fall over on you if you try totake advantage of it

**Stranger: **Trust me, it's not worth it

**Stranger: **Ravage love anything with feathers. He has a nest of feathery things under Soundwave's berth.

**Stranger: **Hmm...

**Stranger: **Oh!

**Stranger: **And Screamer totally still has the hots for Skyfire.

**You: **... I've heard things at night that would say the opposite is true

**Stranger: **Maybe we shuld get them over-energized and lock them in a warehouse somewhere.

**Stranger: **It could be worth it

**You: **If it would get the noises to stop, yes, that would be a lovely idea

**Stranger: **I hope it would mellow Screamer out.

**Stranger: **I swear, if any mech needs to get some 'facing it's him.

**Stranger:**All that rage? Yeah.

**Stranger: **=/

**You: **this conversation keeps getting weirder

**Stranger: **So who's the Autobot bicycle?

**You: **...

**You: **.. I'm not going to answer that

**Stranger: **Is it Jazz?

**Stranger: **Or the twins?

**You: **I try to IGNORE any errant interfacing thank you very much

**Stranger: **BOTH twins?

**Stranger: **Tandem bicycle?

**You: **still not answering

**You: **I was getting through this section of the questionnaire nicely until I started to think about it AND THERE ARE SO MANY IMAGES

**You: **WRONG

**You: **AUGH

**Stranger: **XDDDDD

**Stranger: **Well, now I know what else to add to the activities list when I kidnap you for over-energizing.

**You: **what no

**You: **are you seriously still planning to kidnap me?

**Stranger: **Probably, yeah.

**You: **D:

**Stranger: **Don't worry, I won't mess you up any

**Stranger: **And my trine most likely won't do anything bad.

**Stranger: **Well, TC won't.

**Stranger: **We may need to get Screamer over-energized first...

**You: **please.. please don't

**You: **I know you may think this is an acceptable activity

**Stranger: **It's PARTYING

**You: **but I am not looking forward to being abducted and forced to over-energize

**You: **and anything else you have planned for me

**Stranger: **We shall keep any and all fruits, vegetables, and vegefruits far away from you

**You: **that is not the point

**You: **and I am insulted by your insinuation that I would immediately gravitate towards any of the above

**Stranger: **I'm not suggesting that you'd go for the fruits and things... but they might gravitate towards YOU.

**Stranger: **MAybe you put off some sort of fruit homing signal when over-energized

**You: **that

**You: **doesn't even make sense

**You: **...

**You: **although it would explain the pineapple

**You: **in some weird twisted way

**Stranger: **Besides, Seekers can do stuff with you in the AIR

**Stranger: **How cool would that be?

**You: **... that is not comforting in the slightest

**Stranger: **But it's FUN

**Stranger: **At least, we've never had any complaints.

**Stranger: **Except for that one time.

**Stranger: ** But that was his fualt! He slipped =(

**You: **not

**You: **making it

**You: **any better

**Stranger: **No one was hurt!

**Stranger: **We can even do stuff overa body of water, so you won't get hurt if you slip.

**You: **only drown

**You: **so much better

**Stranger: **You can't swim? I though all 'Bots could swim

**You: **at the very most I can doggie paddle

**You: **I think that's what it's called

**You: **it's more of a flailing and trying not to sink

**Stranger: **Aright, three things on the activities list

**Stranger: **=)

**Stranger: **Swimming lessons!

**Stranger: **Or, really, not panicking in water lessons

**You: **I'd rather not flail around in a body of water with Decepticons thank you

**You: **drowning will surely happen then

**Stranger: **You're such a worry wart!

**You: **and YOU are the posterchild for reckless endangerment

**You: **if I can duck out of ANYTHING you're going to do to me, I'm going to opt out of drowning lessons

**Stranger: **So that means you're alright with the other two activites?

**You: **.. no

**Stranger: **Aweosme! No swimming lessons!

**You: **no no no I am still heavily against the other things

**Stranger: **Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh you're impossbile

**Stranger: **MORE impossible than Soundwave

**Stranger: **Which is terrible

**Stranger: **You are more impossible than a boombox with children

**Stranger: **The most impossible kind of boombox

**You: **... that is an interesting way to put it

**You: **but look at it from my perspective - you're plotting to kidnap me and do things to me against my will in the name of "loosening me up"

**You: **I have all rights to try to refuse any of this

**You: **even if it is inevitably in vain

**Stranger: **...

**Stranger: **Alright, fine

**Stranger: **I just wanted to party with someone in addition to my trinemates

**You: **I'm sorry

**You: **perhaps if you phrased it in a slightly less terrifying way

**Stranger: **Well, how CAN I phrase it?

**Stranger: **I can't exactly send you an invitation to meet us in a field somewhere

**Stranger: **You wouldn't show up

**You: **.. this is true

**Stranger: **And catching you on a battlefield would be hard as you'd proably end up shooting me and then Screamer would shoot you and then it'd just not be a good day for a party

**You: **this is also true

**Stranger: **So the best I can do is warp into the Autobot base and snag you there

**You: ** I.. suppose asking for a bit of warning besides this chat isn't an option

**Stranger: **I could do that

**Stranger: **Although the warning you'd get would probably be the other Autobots yelling "INTRUDER ALERT"

**Stranger: **And guns

**You: **.. that's definitely going to put me in a partying mood

**Stranger: ***sigh*

**Stranger: **Oh well. It was a fun thought.

**Stranger: **And I guess you don't want to hang out with a trio of overcharged Decepticons anyway.

**You: **not.. particularly..

**You: **one at the most

**Stranger: **Really?

**Stranger: **=)

**Stranger: **Have you calmed down any yet?

**Stranger: **Your typing gets all weird when you're freaking out on me.

**You: **You're perceptive

**You: **But yes, I've vaguely recovered

**You: **the dead silence in the Ark is oddly comforting

**You: **although I should probably see why that is

**Stranger: **Do you think they all died? o_o

**Stranger: **Will Autobots try to kill each other off?

**You: **No, but that doesn't leave out the possibility of something else doing it

**You: **I'm going to hope they're okay

**You: **but just to be safe I'm going to investigate

**You: **It was nice talking to you, for a change

**You: **and I do hope you get out of that closet soon

**Stranger: **=D

**Stranger: **Thanks, and it was fun talking to you too

**Stranger: **See you around!

**You have**** disconnected.**


	2. Abduction

It had been a few days since that little chat conversation, and Red Alert was finally almost calmed down.

He couldn't fully relax - well, he could never FULLY relax, lest he drop his guard at the worst possible moment - knowing that he had committed an act of treason, and Optimus' optics had a certain air of suspicion that told him his leader was STILL wondering why he had rushed out of the room to hide in a closet like a Sparkling but hadn't yet found a proper way to start that conversation.. but at the very least he was closer to his normal state of unrest by now.

He was almost confident now that the Seeker had only been bluffing or had forgotten about it entirely. Or, rather, many other troubling things had sprung up in the meantime, allowing HIM to push the threat of abduction to the furthest sector of his processor. Most of those troubling things, oddly enough, involved Inferno - the fire truck seemed to be deliberately sabotaging his efforts to abstain from interfacing, using such underhanded tactics as whispering sensual suggestions into his audio receptors and striking lewd poses when he knew he was looking.

It wasn't that he didn't WANT to interface with him. Nothing could be further from the truth.

It's just that, like overcharging on highgrade, such decisions would leave him defenseless and in no position to do his job.

And sometimes, it involved some type of fruit.

He really didn't want to go down that road again any time soon, thank you very much.

So he tried his hardest to ignore Inferno's attempts at wooing him, as well as Prime's scrutinizing gaze, going about his business as a Security Director. Today it was merely surveillance. Surveying this terminal and briefly considering going back to the chat client. Perhaps this time around he could actually try to get useful information out of his hapless chat partner.

Or perhaps once again it would devolve into fear for his safety and presence of mind.

That's what his sensors had decided would be the most likely outcome of this venture, his horns beginning to spark as pain and abject terror flooded his processor in an overwhelming surge. His thoughts turned to the Autobots around him - they were watching him, judging him, optics leering with a sense of knowing - knowing what he was considering, knowing what had happened - they were simply waiting for him to slip up so that they could-

No, no, no he was NOT going to have another glitching episode, regardless of the risk even sitting at this terminal seemed to entail.

He forced his logic circuits to override that glitch, forced his processor back into relative normalcy.. just in time to notice a short message appearing on the chat client he had seemingly unwittingly opened.

One line. And an emoticon.

And all his hard work at forcing his processor back into normalcy was ruined by yet another terrified surge.

_Coming to pick you up shortly, be ready =)_

Everything in him cried out in unison: oh dear Primus NO. His fingers quickly rushed to relay his processor's frightened message to the mech that actually needed to see it, only to find that said mech had already signed off before he could stop him. It was now only a matter of time..

.. as though on cue, he heard the tell-tale sound of a teleporting Seeker behind him.

The other Autobots' confused cries. Laser fire.

Skywarp's voice, clearly unconcerned about the aforementioned lasers, saying, "Just gonna borrow this for a bit."

Then he was suddenly bodily hefted from his seat by a pair of rather strong hands, which easily and rudely shifted him into what the humans called "bridal position" - an arm tightly gripping his knee joints and his backstruts, leaving little room to struggle as his captor teleported out of the Ark before he'd even had a chance to THINK about actually attempting to struggle. Instead he just lay limply in the other mech's grip like so much dead weight, dumbly allowing him to abduct him.

It was embarrassing, to say the least.

Seconds later they were in what appeared to be a mostly vacant parking lot by a drive-in movie theater, Primus knows where, leftover food wrappings and a few non-sentient cars scattered here and there - one of which was undulating in a rather disturbing manner.

He tried not to think too hard about that.

But it wasn't the cars that caught his attention first, oh no. It was the leering faceplates of at least three other Decepticons in the lot besides his captor - Astrotrain and a pair of coneheaded Seekers, one primarily white, one primarily red. He couldn't remember their names, but honestly it hardly mattered, as it just proved he was outnumbered and in a veritable hotbed of Decepticon activity. His sensors were going wild.

He rather wished they would stop, as it felt like his processor was on fire. Not to mention that embarrassing lighting up of his horns like a primitive human light-tree.

"Welcome back, 'Warp! Is it time for target practice already?" One of the coneheads, the red one, sneered, his voice slurring slightly.

It was then that Red realized that not only was there _human_ food-garbage strewn around the lot, but several empty Energon cubes as well.

Oh, great. Not only was he in a hotbed of Decepticon activity, he was in a hotbed of _over-energized _Decepticon activity.

This could not end well.

Skywarp merely snorted, and would possibly waved him off had he not had his arms full of Autobot. "Shut up, Thrust. I didn't bring this Autobot here to gun him down. He's here because this is one mech in _dire need _of having a stick removed from his aft, and it's our duty to show him how it's done."

"That's stupid," Thrust retorted.

The other Seeker continued regardless, now directing his attention towards the mech shivering in his grip. "And don't be thinking that this is gonna be a quick and easy thing, Red. You need this way too much for that." A rather disturbing grin appeared on his visage, not making his captive any more comfortable with the idea. "This here drive-in is only stop _one _ on tonight's party train."

Through the peripheral corner of his optic he saw a very sour look forming on Astrotrain's faceplate at that remark. Clearly he was the only one allowed to make train jokes around here.

Considering Red Alert had not yet put up a fight, the other mech must have assumed he was in silent agreement with this. Either that, or he was merely tired of holding him up like he was his bondmate or something. You can't party with your arms full, after all. Well, whatever the reason, Skywarp finally - and strangely gently - lowered the security director to the ground, letting go of him when both pedes made contact with the filthy garbage-strewn asphalt.

This was a mistake.

Almost immediately he transformed into his alt mode and sped away from the gaggle of over-energized Decepticons, at a velocity that caused his tires to screech and smoke.

He didn't care. Tires could be replaced. Emotional scars could not be repaired. As if he needed any more of those.

Behind him he could hear four sets of pedes clumsily stamping the ground in pursuit, accompanied by Skywarp's voice desperately calling his name - not unlike a human calling after their lost pet. This only urged the Lamborghini to drive faster, as fast as his engine and smoking tires would allow, front end firmly pointed towards the exit that lead to the road. He just had to hope that they would give up once he made it into traffic, out of reach, too much effort.. at the very least their attention would be diverted by the scattering humans.

He hated that he would have to sacrifice the flesh creatures this way, but he was NOT about to let them catch him.

The exit quickly approached.

Almost there.

One more spurt of speed and a sharp turn that would likely damage his wheels further, and he would be home free.

A sudden steely grip on his spoiler and a sharp yank backwards and upwards stopped any hope of freedom short, his tires spinning uselessly and rather embarrassingly in the air. As though he expected to break free just by driving on nothing, how ridiculous. He wasn't sure who it was who had grabbed him, but clearly he was not going to be able to get away from them in this state.

"Let go of me!" He snarled, transforming back into his root mode.

This was also a mistake.

In one fluid motion the 'Con that had grabbed him - it had to be Astrotrain, as he could plainly see the other three approaching, and even if he couldn't those hands were too large and powerful to be anyone else - lashed his other arm in a binding grip around both his waist and arms, the grip on his spoiler still strong in case he managed to wriggle out of the more restricting hold. Which, considering he was struggling like Pit now and that arm refused to budge, was not going to happen.

It didn't stop him from trying, though.

Skywarp tsked as he meandered towards them, a cube of highgrade balanced in the elbow joint of one arm. "Primus, Red. You need this a lot more than I thought."

"I never agreed to _any_ of this!" The Autobot snapped, redoubling his efforts at struggling as the Seeker came closer. "If you don't tell this poor excuse for a train to let me go this instant, I'll-"

Whatever he planned to threaten the other with was replaced with a sharp cry of pain as said poor excuse for a train vengefully tightened both grips. He could feel his spoiler being crushed in that large, strong hand, not unlike a human crushing a piece of paper, and a stressed creaking in his chestplate told him that if his living restraint were to repeat the motion, there would likely be metal plating stuffed quite firmly in his sparkchamber.

Note to self: do not insult the train.

The ringleader of this affair took advantage of this development to suddenly reach up and push Red's helm backwards with his free hand, his thumb prying open his mouth as best and as wide as it could. Instinctively the captive Autobot bit down on the intruding appendage, _hard, _inwardly grinning as he noticed the distinct imprint of his denta in the metal as the Seeker pulled it back with a hiss.

Serves him right.

Obviously this wasn't the reaction his captor was looking for, for some reason, for he frowned and glanced past Red at the larger mech holding him. "Astro, y'think you could help me out with this?"

"I suppose." Astrotrain snorted. "Although I'm perfectly willing to let you get bitten some more."

The hand crushing his spoiler into slag relinquished its grip in order to move up and grab his jaw, forcing his mouth wide open with a rather sickening wrench. There was no way in hell he would be able to bite that, and struggling against it was just as futile as struggling against the other arm. But, once again, it didn't stop him from trying. He was not about to make this easy for them, even if being complacent probably meant a lot less damage would be incurred to his person.

Once again Skywarp's hand slammed into his helm, pushing it back and keeping it there, making it even harder to move away. The other hand lifted the cube upwards and propped it against his bottom lip, letting its contents flood into his mouth. He tried his damnedest to fight back against THAT - a war that was mostly valiantly fought by his glossa, as well as attempts to expel the liquid before it reached his tanks, which caused some to splatter over both Decepticons' arms - which only encouraged Warp to pour more violently.

"Stop fighting it and take it like a MECH, dammit!" The Seeker snarled, emptying the cube.

Inevitably, possibly due to the method of imbibement, more fluid got past his defenses than was being purged. He could feel it slowly working. A warm, floaty feeling began to seep into his logic circuits, slowly quelling some of his panic..

No. Focus on that panic. He was not going to enjoy the evening.

Besides, he had only had one cube. Not enough to make him stumble around and slur and pretend this was okay.

It was, however, enough to make him at least stop struggling against either mech, which seemed to be the reaction Skywarp was looking for, as he smiled and let go of his helm. The motion came as unspoken permission for Astrotrain to release his grip on his jaw, although for the moment the one around his waist and arms was still tight and uncomfortable and clearly NOT going anywhere.

"See? It's not that bad," The Seeker commented airily, batting the shuttle's arm to make him relinquish THAT grip. "Now let's watch that movie."

Before Red Alert had a chance to protest that it had been quite the opposite, Skywarp grabbed him and flew up onto the rooftop of the building directly across from the big screen, setting him down next to him as the other three Decepticons soon joined them. They were arranged in an uncomfortably close little line line surrounding him, and despite the highgrade in his tanks his sensors decided to make his horns spark once again in a worried flurry.

The dancing lights gained his captor's attention, who affably patted him on the helm with a chuckle as though that would stop it. "Whoa, Red, save that for a rave."

"I can't help it," The Lamborghini grumbled. "It happens when I detect trouble. Which may I remind you I'm sitting right in the midst of."

This last was said with a deliberate scowl at the nearest 'Con.

"Give the mech some space, guys," Skywarp snickered. "Unless you want him to disrupt tonight's movie with that."

Thankfully they listened, and though his sensors still told him 'proximity alert' - which was hardly a threat as he could see that with his own optics, thank you very much useless programming - the horn-sparking and the surge of emotion that accompanied it soon quieted down once there was a meter or two between them. Oddly enough sitting this close to Skywarp didn't set it off..

"Speaking of, Warp," Thrust interjected once they were settled. "What IS tonight's movie?"

"Frag if I know."

As they spoke, Astrotrain busily sat down the rest of their stockpile of highgrade from his cargo hold onto the rooftop, which was quite an impressive number of cubes considering the amount of cube debris strewn across the parking lot below. The sight of all that Energon brought a bit too much delight to the Decepticons' faceplates, which caused a cold feeling to gather in the Autobot's tanks.

The white conehead picked up one of the cubes eagerly. "All _right_, a drinking game."

"Hold up, Ramjet," Thrust huffed, stopping his trinemate from downing the cube before the game even started. "We don't even know what the game IS yet."

Both coneheads looked towards Skywarp expectantly, as the shuttle beside them began to pass out cubes. One apiece for now - and that included Red Alert. His first instinct was to shove it back towards one of the others, but the black-and-purple Seeker to his right lightly shook his head and pushed it back into his lap. He was stuck with it. He was going to have to participate.

"Every time someone dies, take a shot," Astrotrain suggested, in lieu of an answer from the ringleader.

Ramjet considered this for himself. "Ooh, how about how many times the humans swear?"

"Or how about every time there's fire?"

"Fire's good." Thrust frowned. "I don't know how much fire is going to be in this movie, though. Maybe explosions?"

Skywarp just laughed, teasingly elbowing the Autobot beside him. "How about, to include our guest, every time there's a fruit, vegetable, or vegefruit on-screen?"

This suggestion broke Red of his self-inflicted trance of sorts, causing him to splutter in indignation and his horns to spark again. Unfortunately, his reaction seemed to intrigue the other Decepticons - apparently having a sense of dignity was hilarious to them. "I thought we agreed to keep that to ourselves, Skywarp." He grunted through gritted denta. "So kindly shut your cube-hole about it."

"What's he talking about, Warp?" Ramjet inquired, indicating that the damage had already been done.

The other Seeker gave a wide grin, clearly enjoying this. "Well, you remember that time Dirge-"

Red Alert made sure the rest of that sentence and the story that came with it was firmly muffled beneath a hand clasped over his mouth, accompanied by a withering look that _dared _him to either continue trying to talk about it or bite the hand pushed against his faceplate.

"I reiterate: kindly. Shut. Your. Cube-hole. About that." The Lambo hissed. "This is your final warning. Next time I'm going to have to confiscate your vocalizer."

The venom in this threat seemed to strike the other Decepticons as hilarious as well, as they all shared a chuckle at Skywarp's expense. The Seeker in question made his best attempt at a pout with a hand attached to his faceplate before gingerly prying the appendage off, a motion Red only allowed due to the fact that the other mech seemed to take his warning seriously, or at the very least was good at faking it.

Boundaries had to be set.

"Shh!" Thrust hissed from his other side. "The movie's starting!"

"Cubes at the ready, mechs and femmes!"

Before the Autobot could inform the 'Con responsible for that statement that there WERE no femmes here - unless he was insinuating that Red himself was any sort of femme-like, in which case he would have to confiscate TWO vocalizers - the big screen crackled to life, and as promised, a movie began to play.

As far as he could tell, it was set in what humans assumed would be the far-flung future, although the filming techniques clearly spoke of 1979 at the latest. The mechanical kibble that made up the set for the ship and other environments didn't look that far off from Cybertronian technology, actually, so he had to give the flesh creatures a few points for that. He had to take those points back when the humans began poking around a long-dead planetoid that was by all accounts dangerous, despite one of the humans deciphering a warning, and then a derelict spacecraft that was covered in disfigured remains of other organic creatures and pods of an obviously organic alien nature unrelated to the other organic species.

As one of those pods opened - and the human investigating it continued to investigate despite very obvious danger - the point count was in the negatives.

Oh, would you look at that, something came out and attached to the guy's face.

Red Alert could only call that karma for poking around inside a veritable hornet's nest despite all the obvious warning signs. He was sure if it was an _actual _hornet's nest, those humans would not have heard the buzzing of the insects until their faces were swelled masses of agony.

.. maybe he should have suggested 'take a shot every time the humans do something stupid and/or proves they have no survival instincts' as a drinking game.

Speaking of drinking games, the Decepticons around him seemed to have actually been participating in variations of their suggestions, for there was plenty more cube debris now than when the movie began. He found himself on his second cube by now, and he had no recollection of his first. Maybe one of the Cons had stolen it from him.

Yes, that was it. He was surrounded by dirty cube thieves and NOT an irresponsible drinker.

Something in the way that thought had been phrased suddenly knocked him back into reality. He WAS surrounded by thieves, he realized. He was surrounded by the enemy, all of which armed and highly unstable, one of which with the capability to teleport. In an insecure, poorly guarded and very public place. Alone. With a questionable amount of highgrade in his tanks and possible irresponsibility involved in consuming it.

And worst of all, no one knew where he was.

At this realization his sensors slammed into overdrive, sending his processor into a fit of absolute terror and his horns to start another frenzied sparking fury. He would not be surprised if his logic circuits exploded at this point, what with the fiery pain in his helm, and someone could probably see that furious sparking from _space. _

It also, unfortunately, drew the attention of a certain set of terrestrial Cybertronians surrounding him.

"You know what," Astrotrain piped up, as he passed more cubes around. "Since this movie's really startin' to drag, I got an idea for a new drinking game. Every time Blinky here shoots sparks from his helm like that, take a shot. Blinky can play too."

Red Alert spluttered and immediately slapped both hands over his horns, hardly concealing the sparking. "What? No! No, you are NOT using me for entertainment! And I refuse to take part in it!"

"Kinda doesn't look like you got a choice, Red," Skywarp snickered, leaning closer to him. Despite his sensors' earlier complacency with the Seeker, this made it worse.

He was doing it on purpose. He would probably find his processor's inevitable destruction hilarious, too.

As the black-and-purple jet took his required shot for this action, the other Decepticons, spurred on by Skywarp's success, began to scoot closer to him and take turns waving their arms at him in a vaguely threatening manner, their filthy enemy fingers just close enough to his face to prolong his horns' frenzy. One of them even TOUCHED him. He eventually had to resort to downing cubes faster than they were in the hopes that it would put an end to this madness before anything exploded, dampening his panic with vast volumes of liquid.

By the time the credits rolled, all five Cybertronians on the roof were quite thoroughly slag-faced. Red's horns had long since stopped sparking as the highgrade in his system outweighed the panic in his processors, although it didn't stop a couple of 'Cons from still waving their hands in his face like that. They finally stopped when the shuttle wryly reminded them that 'that one bites'.

The fact that the Autobot accentuated this remark with a few snaps in their direction proved he had had far, far too much.

"Welp, I am offishially into.. intoxuh.. wasted," Red Alert announced matter-of-factly, with a hiccup that was equally matter-of-fact.

Astrotrain eyed the piles of empty cubes surrounding the Autobot, which were somehow bigger than those accumulated by his Decepticon drinking buddies. "Took you long enough, Blinky. Didn't think an Autobot had any kinda tolerance." His gaze fell upon his own impressive pile. "S'a good start, but not good enough."

"A.. are you tryin' to make thish some kinda _contest_, train-boy?" The security director slurred, eyeing the shuttle suspiciously. "Bet I could drink yer Decepticon aft under.. under the table."

A pause.

".. unner the roof, I mean. There aren't any tables here, that's just absurd."

Skywarp laughed and clumsily attempted to clap their guest on the back, but ended up smacking him upside the helm instead, an impact he hardly felt. "C'mon now, Red, don' be makin' bets like that 'til the party's over. We still got a whole night ahead of us, 'member?"

"Nurm," Was all he could say in response to that.

It wasn't even a word. Had he any sense left in his processor, he would have been ashamed of himself for that.. unfortunately, sense and logic were currently reduced to backseat drivers in the over-energized pile of slag he currently called a processor. He was starting to remember why he didn't do this that often.. and there's still a whole _night _left of this?

"What's the next stop on the party train?" Ramjet inquired, earning a more deliberate smack to the helm from Astrotrain. "Ow.. uh.. after we get more highgrade I mean.."

Skywarp frowned. "We're out already?"

The conehead Seeker to Red's left clumsily jerked a thumb towards the Autobot. "Blinky here done drank it all up, like a piggy."

"Piggy piggy piggy." His trinemate echoed with a slurred giggle.

.. there wasn't going to be a whole night of _that _too, was there?

Regardless of the markedly childish accusations against his new friend, the ringleader hopped down from the rooftop, stumbling slightly on the landing. "Welp, we got 'bout enough of a buzz to keep us goin' for about an hour before we gotta worry 'bout that." He drawled. "So I say s'time for some good ol' fashioned karaoke."

The others clumsily followed suit, the Autobot cautiously bringing up the rear - no matter how over-energized he was, he refused to stumble around like a loony, especially in this sort of company. And right after being called an organic swine. As he had never seen an organic swine guzzle Energon before, their insults hardly made sense to him.

The suggestion that the next activity was something as absurd as _karaoke _- something he got enough of at the Ark from Jazz and Blaster, thank you very much - made even less sense to him.

"I don't s'pose I could veto karaoke.. ing," He grumbled, following along after the Decepticons as they stumbled towards some building in a demented drunken conga line. The only reason he was following them was that he'd rather not be a stupid drunk alone out here, where other, sober Decepticons could attack him if they so chose.

Skywarp only laughed. "Sorry, Red, this ain't no democracy. You wouldn't get a vote if it was, anyway - you'd be vetoin' _everything_."

.. this was true.

The Autobot's faceplate twisted into a slight sneer as a truly horrible thought came to him.

"Awright.. m'pickin' the songs, though."

* * *

><p>Partying was an art.<p>

A special balance of total indulgence and careful planning, and most of all, sick beats.

And Rumble was a goddamn _artist._

He had struck out on the town tonight to find a certain canvas for his art, armed with his usual paintbrush and ink: plenty of high-grade Energon and a song he'd compiled himself while Soundwave wasn't paying attention. It was a masterpiece. Better than the stuffy crap humans called music, anyhow. Cold Slither? _Pshhh._

The trouble was, though, being a Decepticon and all, finding a club that wouldn't lock its doors the moment someone spotted him was hard. You blow a couple places up and terrorize a few grandmas and suddenly everyone locks you out.

Those humans were vindictive little bastards.

When he came to the best club on the block and _they _locked him out, however, he decided he wasn't having any of that. They could keep their dirty little partyholes with the crappy music and dinky little speakers. This one he was GOING to get into, one way or another, and there was nothing they could do about it. It was time to use a time-honored Decepticon delicate lockpicking technique, only to be used in utmost emergencies like these.

He lobbed one of his cubes of high-grade at the doors, which exploded quite beautifully on impact.

"Nobody move!" The Cassetticon snarled, which stopped the panicking humans in their tracks. "Youse guys are gonna stay the frag here and party like crazy little monkeys wit' me, or else I'll blow all your slaggin' monkey heads off and use 'em as hairy little hackysacks!"

After all, partying alone was embarrassing for an artist like himself.

Confident his new partying buddies wouldn't escape, Rumble strolled into the dimly lit club like he owned the place, a cube of high-grade in each elbow joint. It was a pretty swanky set up, what with the multi-colored lightshow and the MASSIVE speakers surrounding a DJ booth manned by a doughy human male who did not look thrilled at all to be there. There was a karaoke rig some ways to the side, but he didn't care about that. And yes, it was a _swanky _karaoke rig. The swankiest.

It even had vaulted ceilings - had any of the larger mechs deigned to accompany him, they could have easily fit inside the building with feet to spare.

Their loss, he supposed.

The music was adequate, as well.. although it may have just been the booming bass that won him over. He could feel it vibrating his entire body, generating a quiet clatter of his armor as it bounced and shivered to the beat. Damn, those were some good speakers. He made a mental note to swipe those for his creator later.

He chugged one of his cubes and set them down to start dancing to this one adequate song with the badass bass, figuring it at least deserved some respect before he totally changed things up with his masterpiece and blew these organics' tiny minds.

Then he realized he was the only one that was - the humans were standing around like dumb sacks of meat, gawping at him. As if they'd never seen a 'Con party before.

A quick laser barrage to the nearest human's fleshy pedes and a snarled order to '_dance, _dammit' soon changed that.

Unfortunately, the moment he hit his stride - his motions more fluid than the fluid-filled meatsacks surrounding him, irony - the fat human at the DJ booth decided to change it to a slow, boring song, throwing him so far off his groove the groove was now in the stratosphere, leaving his earthbound aft behind with this abomination that called itself music.

He was pretty sure the human had done it on purpose, to spite him for being way too awesome for this club.

That kind of aft-hattery would NOT be tolerated.

"Oi, fat-boy," Rumble snapped, walking up to the booth. "I was _dancin' _to that."

The human slowly glanced up at him, dull-eyed nonchalance on his flabby features. "Sorry, rustbucket. You ain't got a say in what DJ Slim plays, and DJ Slim was gettin' a headache from that noise. If you got such a problem wit' how I run this club maybe you oughta go back to your robo-mommy n' cry about it."

The darkest of dark scowls formed on the Cassetticon's faceplate. This guy was either stupid or brave.. more than likely stupid.

"Aight, that's it. S'time for a new DJ."

"What-"

DJ Slim never got to finish spluttering incredulously. Instead, he was sent flying across the club from a powerful strike of a piston arm, a flight that ended in a loud, sickening combination of crash and splatter against the wall. Judging by the amount of human engine fluid sprayed over the surface and the indentation in the wall, the fat bastard probably wasn't going to be getting up any time soon. It served him right for being.. well, a fat bastard. With bad taste.

Immune to the horrified stares of the other humans, Rumble casually slid into the now-vacant chair and hooked himself up to the mixing board. While he wanted to hear that song with the circuit-thrilling bass again, it was time for his song to shine, and he couldn't care less if the organics were out of the mood to hear it, let alone enjoy it.

"Ladies n' gents, tonight I'mma play you a special tune." He announced in a much friendlier tone. "I made this beat myself, so if you ain't dancin' to it or at least noddin' your heads in appreciation I'mma have to take it personally. Youse guys wouldn't wanna hurt my feelin's like that, wouldja?"

A casual cock of his helm towards the bloody lard, accompanied by a rather disturbing grin, told them what exactly would happen were he to get upset.

He uploaded the song into the human's otherwise-boring playlist, shivering in anticipation. Soon enough those big, beautiful, world-shaking speakers began to pound out the intro, reverberating the whole club and turning it into one jiggly mass of musical _magic. _He'd almost forgotten how awesome just the beginning was.

However, as enthralled with his own work as he was, another sound made its way to his audials.

A thumping, slamming sort of noise.

Coming from outside the back of the club.

He immediately paused his song and stared in the general direction of the new noise, wondering what the slag that could be and if he should be hightailing it back to the base instead of waiting around to find out what it was. It sounded BIG. One Cassetticon against something BIG was the most uneven match since fat lard vs. piston arm. Even a Cassetticon as admittedly awesome as himself.

The noise grew louder.

Louder.

A network of cracks appeared on his side of the wall.

Then something big and mechanical burst through it, sending wall debris flying in an explosive barrage of projectiles and thick plumes of dust. The club filled with panicked screaming even before the cause of the debris showed themselves, followed by the stampeding footsteps of every single organic in the place on the way to the _other _hole in the wall. He could also hear the distinct sound of flimsy human bones being cracked and crushed as they ran over each other in the panicked rush to get out.

Pansies.

.. although he almost considered joining them.

Once the dust cleared, however, he reconsidered.

"Well, _well!_" Rumble laughed, unhooking himself from the mixing board to get up and survey the gaggle of 'Cons. "Look who finally decided to join the party."

The forefront of the pack and probably the creator of the brand new door, Ramjet, stumbled a few feet further forward and fell to his knees with a clearly intoxicated _eerrf _sort of noise escaping his vocalizer.

"Looks like ya tanked up before ya came, too."

As he spoke, the rest of the pack filed in as a demented drunken conga line, and he found that there wasn't really as many partying buddies as he'd hoped. There was of course Ramjet, and also Thrust, Astrotrain, Skywarp, and... Red Alert..? He had to take a double-take at that one, and even then, he still wasn't sure his optics were functioning properly because he could have sworn he just saw an _Autobot _in their midst.

Yep, he was still there on the third take.

There was in fact one of the enemy standing around with them.

"Hey uh.. what's _he _doin' here?" The Cassetticon pointed towards the Autobot, frowning. "Isn't he supposed t'be, y'know, _the enemy security officer_ - the kinda guy that rats out an event like this n' brings down the wrath of Prime 'n pretty much every other Autobot?"

Skywarp laughed and leaned on the enemy security officer in question, his grin widening as the Autobot's horns briefly sparked in response. "Don't worry about it, Rumble. He ain't rattin' out nobody tonight."

"M'just takin' a ride on the party train," Red Alert slurred in agreement, returning the leaning favor and nearly falling down for the effort. "C-choo choooo.."

A weird combination of amusement and disdain crossed Astrotrain's faceplate at that remark, a look the Cassetticon had seen plenty of times before. Clearly he wasn't sure if he should take that as a train joke or as an opening to _make _a train joke.

"Hey now, if you were _ridin'_ the party train," He gestured to himself with a snort. "I think I'd know 'bout it."

Silence fell as the rest of the Decepticons stared at him, then was immediately broken with raucous drunken laughter. The shuttle's banter partner even gave an attempt at an intoxicated little chuckle, although it was a bit uneasy. Rumble sympathized - it was always hard to tell when you were supposed to laugh at the train's train jokes, because half the time he would laugh with you, the other half you'd get a face full of vengeful fist, and you could never really tell which half he happened to feel like at the time.

Today it seemed was a good day, for rather than punching any of them the other merely meandered away from the pack to eye their surroundings. Thrust had decided to go investigate the karaoke machine, and Ramjet.. had taken up the _riveting _sport of poking the bloody blob of former DJ in the corner with a finger.

"Don't touch that, you don't know where it's been."

The conehead blearily blinked at him before going right back to what he was doing. Gross.

Right, whatever. He could keep doing that all night. Rumble once again sidled into the DJ chair, resisting the urge to hook up again - after all, the song was already on the list. "So what're youse guys doin' out here anyway?" He drawled, leaning back. "I mean, besides crashin' my party n' chasin' out all those stick-in-the-mud squishies."

"We ran outta highgrade so we figured we should go karaoke-ing before the buzz wears off too much," Skywarp explained, no longer supporting himself on his Autobot pal. Red Alert wasn't so lucky, having to support himself on the wall. "What're YOU doin' here, Rumble? All by yourself? Does your daddy know you're out?"

This last was said with a babyish voice, which earned him the second darkest of dark scowls.

"Frag you, Autobot-hugger. I bet Megatron'd _love _to know about that." The Cassetticon huffed. "You're gonna have ta wait on that karaoke-in' for a bit, though. I finally finished that song I was workin' on while Dad was rechargin', and I'm burstin' to share it wit' somebody that actually _cares_."

The fact that the dark Seeker's optics actually _lit up _at that filled his sparkchamber with so much joy, it was like listening to that booming bass beat again.

"Really? Lay it on us, small fry!"

Within moments the club was once again a jiggly mass of musical magic, and this time, there was no outside thumping noise to interrupt it during the intro. It was gritty and beautiful, vicious and delicate, pounding into and gently caressing his audio receptors all at once. He hoped the larger mechs at least felt somewhat like this about it, as he might have just been biased as its creator.. a glance upwards told him, quite definitely, they did, as their faceplates were pictures of bliss as they danced to it. Even the Autobot was getting into it.

He had never been so fragging happy in his entire life. Three minutes of pure ecstacy.

Then it stopped and he came down from his high so fast it was painful.

Perhaps his song was a bit too magical for mortal machine. Having his circuits buzzing and his armor shivering several seconds after the song had ended was probably not very healthy. There was a slightly louder clattering in the air that told him the others had the same experience.

All the same, though, he had to ask. "So.. what d'ya think?"

The other mechs slowly snapped back to awareness, optics flickering.

Surprisingly enough, it was Red Alert that spoke first.

"Far better than Blaster's taste in music, I'll grant you that much," Was the Autobot's verdict, his voice less slurred - although Rumble couldn't tell if it meant he wasn't over-energized anymore or he simply tried _really hard_ to make himself sound sober. "You may want to get rid of those after-effects, though."

Okay, it was the second one. He just fell onto Skywarp.

"You're not half bad, Sparky." The Cassetticon said simply, deciding to go with the first part of that statement. "Warp found hisself a keeper."

The Seeker pouted, pushing the 'keeper' off him. "It's not like THAT, short stuff. Now get offa that chair n' help us set up this karaoke thing."

"Aight, but only if you promise to come help me swipe these speakers later," Rumble replied, sliding out of the chair and meandering over to the machine. "These things'd make a badass gift for Dad."

"Why d'we gotta steal em? We could just keep the whole club. Turn it into our own lil' Decepticon hangout."

A slight frown appeared on the Cassetticon's faceplate. "I dunno if that'll be as good a gift for Dad, I mean, ever since the Dancitron thing.. he's kinda got a thing against clubs."

Whatever Skywarp was going to say in response to that was quickly covered up by the distinct sound of someone purging a load of Energon out of their tanks somewhere behind him and to the left, followed by a disgusting splatter he rather hoped wasn't the guilty party falling into his own mess. He supposed it was inevitable - it just wasn't a party until someone purged and/or passed out, usually the same mech doing both.

"Primus, Ramjet," Thrust's voice groaned, accompanied by a vehement _thunk _of pede to Seeker flank. "Get up, you're embarrassing me."

"Sorry." Came the reply, muffled by floor and Energon puddle.

What a lightweight.

Rumble turned to inform him as such... just in time to see that not only was Ramjet still laying in his own mess, but he was also now glossa-deep in pre-processed fluid, lapping it up like a primitive organic canine while furtively glancing towards his trinemate to make sure he wasn't looking. Unfortunately, Thrust's attention had been diverted by the karaoke machine by this point, so really only the poor Cassetticon was treated to this _lovely _sight.

"Y'know, I'm starting to remember why nobody invites you to parties anymore," He grumbled, while also remembering that no one invited ALL the coneheads to parties anymore. They were just too much of a liability. Especially Dirge. "Touch my remaining cube and I'mma hafta wound you."

Wait, slag. He should not have said that.

Any hopes of the larger mechs having not heard it disappeared the moment all optics focused on him, then that cube.

Immediately he dove for it, clutching it to himself like it was the last Energon cube in the universe. This didn't stop Ramjet from crawling out of his puddle to swipe at him with one large, sticky mitt, a mitt that was not dissuaded in the slightest by a powerful strike from his free arm in piston form. That piston arm got to see a LOT of action as more hands as big as he was reached for him, making him feel like the last Energon treat in the bag. The only one he could see that wasn't involved in this was the Autobot, who was merely watching the spectacle - but that did NOT leave out anyone hiding in his blind spot on either side.

Slagging lousy peripheral vision.

While he was defending his cube from the largest hand of all, belonging to the party train, he felt more than saw the object of everyone's desire being yoinked from his grip. He whirled around to see Skywarp, grinning like a fat cat in a canary cage, holding it up high out of reach. Slagger probably WAS hiding in his blind spot.

To his - and probably everyone else's - surprise he didn't drink it, and actually kept it out of reach of the others, too.

"Calm down, kids," The dark Seeker drawled, spinning the cube on a fingertip. "What say you to makin' this lil' sucker the prize for karaoke? The one who does the least damage to everyone's audials wins it."

A low, intoxicated chuckle drew their attention to the karaoke machine, and the Autobot who was half propped on it. He must have dragged himself over there while they were all distracted with this grabbing for the cube and making Rumble feel like the last Energon treat in the bag business.

"M'thinks you might want to set th' bar a lil lower, Skywarp," Red Alert suggested, a distinctly Decepticon-esque devious grin on his faceplate. "M'not sure_ anyone _can win with what I've got prepared for you."

Rumble had to wonder how you could set the bar lower than 'least amount of damage'..


End file.
